Hard to believe at times, that it has been over been 42 years since I came home from my tour in Vietnam. On some days, it seems like such a distant thing, and on others, not so long ago.
I still have issues from those times. And for those who weren't there, or any other such place, they can not know. They may want to know, but they can't. Some may think they know, but they don't. They can't know, any more so than a man can really appreciate the birth of a child like a mother can.
There are those Vets, who's torments come from the horror and killing of our enemies. For others, it's the remembering those who had fallen around us, some of those we had grown close to. In other cases, it may be reoccurring dreams of their own near death combat actions, and the lasting physical wounds they still bare.
Speaking ONLY for myself, it was never about some enemy I had a hand in killing. Never was. Not that I never gave it a thought, but that was never something I have remorse or regrets about. To me, it was not just what I was there for, it was them, or us. There are still things that still stir my emotions.
Back then, I'd have lingering thoughts and fears of what might happen to me, when others around me, or near our unit, were killed. Those fears were almost be crippling at times. But, for most everyone I knew, and in spite of those fears, we did what we had to do anyway. Somehow, some way, putting one foot in front of the other, we went about and doing what had to be done.
Seeing fellow soldiers go down, wounded or killed, and feeling of helplessness to change that outcome, will still come back to the back of my head.
Upon our return home ... MY return home ... we were greeted with a less than a welcoming experience. In fact, the anti-war movement of that day often targeted the returning soldier, as much as the government. Some of the things that were said about us, some directly to us, pained me to hear, and the memory of that still does today. There are those, who I can never forgive.
Not long ago (early 2012), I read a post from a self-professed liberal, that she has "always supported our wonderful troops", even though she "was against the war". Bull-shit. People like this one, who I know, say those things now so they won't come off as un-patriotic. In truth, they WERE against us, the returning soldiers of those days. We WERE the target of their anger (and her vile words) about the war. We WERE chastised for our involvement. I WAS chastised for my participation. So her words, are BULL SHIT!
I've also heard expressed, that for those who stood against the war, and held to their principles, that they were somehow perceived as having a LOT of personal strength and integrity to stand up for their beliefs. But in those days, we, returning Vets, were NOT respected for OUR personal strength and integrity? We were thought of as having given in to "the government", because we answered the call. BULL-SHIT again.
In fact, I suspect it was easy to stay at home at such times, and profess some inner belief to oppose serving. The REAL brave part, is being scared absolutely shitless, and doing what you've been called to do anyway. Scared shitless to even move, to breath, that your own heart-beat might give your position away, but still do what you had to do. Keep moving forward, keep advancing on an enemy intent on killing you and your buddies. Scared shitless of the dark, of the sounds, the movements of the grass, the snapping of a twig, a smell, a thought that you might fail your buddy, all while doing your job anyway.
For some peace-nics, what was THEIR fear? Jail? Maybe, but unlikely for most. Where to live in Canada? Getting killed in their sleep? Tripping a booby-trap on the way to class? Having their next step, be their last one on earth? Seeing their buddy get blown away, having their blood splatter on you?
I volunteered to go in. I asked for my number to be moved up, to get called up sooner than later. I knew where I was likely going. That wasn't bravery. That was my DUTY as a American citizen, as I saw it. It was the DUTY of those in government, to do what they could to protect us, to support us, to permit us to win, and offer some kind of peace to the millions of South Vietnamese. People protesting against the government's lack of doing those things, would have been appropriate. The BULL SHIT the peace-nics put upon us? ..... Well, you get my drift.
Just recently, I again awoke in a sweat from dreams of those days. (Some of them have just been weird!) Other days, some smell will be familiar enough, to make my hair stand on my neck. Just my ramblings, but some days, I just get a rush of old emotions, and that old anger comes back to the surface. So I write, whether anyone reads or not, just to let it out ... a little.
I THANK GOD that today the majority of Americans,treat our Soldiers with respect and gratitude. Agree with our war involvement or not, what they do, and what they are willing to do, for all of us, is worthy of that.
